Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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