I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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