I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
