So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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