His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
