Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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