I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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