I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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