It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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