I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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