you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
