It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
