Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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