Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
