She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
