I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
