your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.