drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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