I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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