wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
