That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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