I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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