my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Found your dick twin last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize