so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
