Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
