I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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