Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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