It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
