i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
