This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
