They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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