my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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