I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
