dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
