I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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