so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
