Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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