You smell like a Billy Joel song
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
