I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
