I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
