i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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