how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
