but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
