mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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