Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
