I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
