If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
