hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
