So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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