I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
