Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
