so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
