Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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