I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
