my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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